Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here. 1. Dude, if you can't beat out Tarvaris Jackson for the starting job… The Seahawks gave Matt Flynn $10 million in guaranteed money based off of one de facto exhibition game against Detroit and now head coach Pete Carroll says that Tarvaris Jackson still has the "advantage" in the QB competition going into training camp. That's not a good sign. The fine people at Walter Football have also kindly pointed out that new Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin (who coached Flynn in Green Bay) had a chance to sign Flynn in the offseason and demurred. Everything about Flynn screams SCOTT MITCHELL, which is fun because I miss making fun of Scott Mitchell. As for T-Jack, I again would like to remind you that he is the kind of QB who excels when there's absolutely nothing at stake. You want T-Jack to come through when it's Week 12 and you're out of playoff contention? No problem. That is HIS MOMENT. The only reason Tarvaris Jackson is still in the NFL is because the Vikings inflated his value by trading up in the second round to draft him, a move orchestrated by notorious ex-GM Fran Foley, who was shitcanned from the team after less than a full season because of threatening employees with a "bloodbath" after his first draft. Foley is now part of Randy Edsall's crew at Maryland. Look at this picture and tell me this man isn't a walking penis. That's T-Jack's benefactor. 2. There's no better way to celebrate $18 million than running people off of Interstate 880. I'd like to congratulate Marshawn Lynch for being just awesome enough last season to sucker the Seahawks into believing that he would continue to be awesome after getting his golden parachute check. The beauty of Lynch pulling an Albert Haynesworth is that the Seahawks probably KNEW that he would immediately tank, but signed him anyway. You do that sort of thing when your team is secretly for sale because your billionaire owner has decided to emotionally abandon you in order to spend more time building solar-powered luxury yachts and importing the finest hookers from Southeast Asia. This is a team that is more than content to tread water for eternity, and that's painfully obvious given that Pete Carroll is the head coach. It's like having your team be coached by the dad from Little Miss Sunshine. 3. FUCKING SOLDIER!
The best thing about Little Winslow is that he will NEVER live that video down. He could live to be 100 years old and people will still give him shit for that postgame tirade. The Seahawks could win a Super Bowl this year (just kidding) and it still wouldn't be the most memorable moment in his career. For the rest of his life, he'll just be the Pretend Warrior Boy, and that delights me to no end, because fuck Kellen Winslow.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. 4. Would it kill this team to be mildly interesting? Spencer Hall once said the Seahawks are "basically the Falcons for Caucasians." And it's true. You would be hard-pressed to find an NFL team with a more extensive history of not being interesting than the Seahawks. They played in one of the dullest Super Bowls ever. Their only recent memorable playoff win was notable only because they didn't deserve to be playing in it. It's almost as if the Seahawks go out of their way to not make waves in their hometown because that would distract Seattle natives from other priorities, like opening ANOTHER fucking boutique coffee shop, or adding bike lanes to freeway overpasses, or solving Rosie Larsen's murder. People in Seattle are five times more passionate about the Sonics, and that's because the Sonics no longer exist. The Seahawks will only be adored by hipster Seattleites once Allen sells them to LA and has Qwest Field airlifted to his backyard for private use. 5. Hear it from lifelong 'Hawks fan Matt Ufford: Why hello there, Tarvaris Jackson, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I don't know why you're still on the team. The Seahawks signed Matt Flynn to replace you, which makes sense given that you have been mediocre at best despite playing with a dangerous rushing offense on two different teams. And yet Pete Carroll has said that ol' T-Jack has the starting job unless Flynn proves himself more worthy. You know how the Seahawks are supposed to benefit from the 12th Man in Seattle? They lost three home games by less than a touchdown in 2011, all with chances to win in the 4th quarter. Let's look at those games: Oct. 2: Falcons 30, Seahawks 28 — With the Seahawks down 24-7 at the half, Jackson performs admirably to get the Seahawks back in the game. With 1:49 left in the game and no timeouts, T-Jack completes a series of short checkdowns over the middle to set up a 61-yard field goal. Miss. Seahawks lose. T-Jack isn't at fault here, but neither is he impressive under pressure. Nov. 27: Redskins 23, Seahawks 17 — The Seahawks start the quarter by gaining a 17-7 lead. As the Redskins "storm" back with field goals, here are the four final Seahawks' possessions: 3 and out, 3 and out, turnover on downs in 4 plays, interception on third play. Jackson's numbers on those drives: 4-7 for 22 yards, 2 sacks that ended possessions, and a game-sealing INT. In front of a home crowd. AGAINST THE REDSKINS. Dec. 24: 49ers 19, Seahawks 17 — Even with Jackson struggling against the very good Niners D, the Seahawks take a 17-16 lead after a blocked punt gives the 'Hawks the ball on the 4, an easy one-play touchdown drive thanks to Marshawn Lynch. After San Francisco answers with a field goal, the Seahawks get the ball twice in the final three minutes. Those possessions end in a T-Jack fumble and a quick turnover on downs due to incompletions. None of this takes into account the 23-20 Week 17 OT loss in Arizona where Jackson engineered a three-and-out before the 'Hawks punted and gave up a field goal. The Seahawks have a very good young defense. They have a great running game with an improving offensive line. They have arguably the best home-field advantage in the NFL. Their coach… is, uh, better than Jim Mora. But they're trotting out the same incompetent dickbag who single-handedly kept them from a winning record EVEN THOUGH THEY SIGNED SOMEONE BETTER TO REPLACE HIM. Indeed they did. Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE BUZZSAW THAT IS THE ARIZONA CARDINALS.
